I plan to do a full in depth update this week for my one year CT Anniversary. Hopefully by then I will get back on track with writing in another week. For now… I’m getting by alright. The house and yard are in functional condition with an acceptable lvl of clean. The grandkids are being…

Currently things are the same. I’m holding down the fort with the grandkids while my daughter is on bed rest. I’m just super busy with the boys and cooking for Seven. We have a doc appointment tomorrow to see if we do this through the weekend again or have this baby. We are at 37…

I think this is the second time that I’ve written this week. Mentally I think I’m still struggling from whatever the last med did to me. Right now I am focused on showers, hydration, and two meals a day. I feel cognitively declined right now. I spend my days reading vast amounts of information to…

I think it’s been about two weeks now since I quit remeron. My timeline definitely did NOT work. At two weeks I am still having some spiking heart rate issues but they have lessened dramatically. Every night before bed I go through a couple hours of random weird bullshit.  Electric zaps, muscle twitching, nerve pain…

Sunday will hit the two week mark since discontinuing Remeron. I had this theory in my head that the last of my meds would be rough.  With every pill you take the last little bit can be the hardest when it comes to withdrawals.  My theory was that the last of the chemicals leaving my…

After I discontinued the remeron it took about a full week to start feeling like I wasn’t going to die. I still don’t feel great but those weird waves of death that would hit me went away Sunday afternoon. Both Justin and myself were starting to get a little worried. I’m still amazed I didn’t…

Things have been better. Things have been far worse. Yesterday was pretty brutal. I have a benzo friend I talk to a lot and she pointed out yesterday that some of what I’m experiencing may be derealization or depersonalization. The disconnect from my thoughts makes me think she could be right. To be fair the…

Going to keep it short today. I feel like hell. Current symptoms that have come back with withdrawals from remeron. Jaw clenching Heart rate currently bouncing around and spiking to 130 for hours. Nausea and diarrhea Occasionally shakey Jelly legs ***have experienced a change with the body jerks in a good way. They seem less…

The last few weeks have been a struggle. I feel like I backslid just a wee bit. My routine is off. My sleep until quitting the remeron has been unsettling and weird. I slacked on two showers. Instead of laundry taking one day it took four days. I’m struggling all the way around. My list…

***If you have some confusion on my timeline it’s 10 months since my ct. Brain fog kicked me hard and I’ve been in a state of confusion off and on. I believe I put it at 11 months on FB for a week or so. My apologies. It’s been 10 months since my doc told…

Sooooo…I made a boo boo. I should have just sucked it up and tapered the dang Saphris.  Adding another med was a big mistake. I think I have a few withdrawal issues and I think the new med has some very unwanted side effects.  I can’t really tell.  Add in a late night flight and…

I frequently scroll through several FB benzo groups to give ideas, and hope where I can. Recently I read a great article about when starting a psychotropic med how it’s important to keep track of your baseline. The reasoning behind it is to be able to know if the medication is causing a worsening of…

We leave at Midnight to drive to the airport for a 4:30am flight to Arizona. I don’t know how my days are going to look for the next ten days as we will be staying at Justin’s father’s house with his wife. I figure I will probably aim to post a photo off and on…

When I accidentally CTed myself I quickly realized I needed knowledge. I read anything and everything I can find related to my meds, mental health, and therapies. As with everything on the internet you have to be careful. Search engines are biased and people have different opinions and stories. I quickly found a lot of…

Doing a med change 9 months into a journey of becoming med free has been trying to say the least. So far nothing has been concerning enough not to continue on my current path. Decreasing the Saphris by 5 mg has helped my mouth already. I feel like it was definitely a Saphris issue where…

I don’t normally write anything on the weekends but I need a place to document things today. Hopefully it won’t need to be an extra post a day thing but I’m determined to have a record of my mental health journey. I find it easier to keep all my stuff in one easy place. Anyway……

Mostly I prefer to read articles but every now and then I check out YouTube and or some podcast. The video I am posting is a conference that was done on coming off of psychiatric meds. It was an extremely informative with a format I could easily follow along with. It is also full of…

Yesterday I was asked to speak more on how my personal life changes have impacted withdrawal. I decided today’s lil blog could answer that. I actually took that question two ways. Overall life changes I have made I believe have impacted my withdrawals or things happening in my personal life impacting withdrawals. I think that…

I tried to find a good article to get all opinionated about. Instead I found alarming facts that have thrown me a little out of wack. I Googled “long term side effects of psychiatric medication. See why Google can be bad. That’s the first thing that popped up. To be fair it’s scary but accurate.…

Time seems to be flying by. I feel like I just did the last update post and another month has already gone by. Refresh of med history. I was on Clonazepam for over four years with a switch to Ativan the month before I cted. Other psych meds were geodon, cymbalta, depakote, prozasin and Saphris.…

Everything in my life right now is good, well unless you count body jerks and withdrawal. We are making plans and working hard on our goals. I’m pushing myself as hard as I can. I only aim for completion of one small task a day. I break big tasks into smaller sections to make things…

I try not to actually be whiney in withdrawal but I would really like full brain function back. It’s a crapshoot on how well I’m going to function normally and for how long. I’m tired of having moments where I feel like I have had a significant drop in IQ. My thoughts slow down along…

I’ve spent almost nine months living in withdrawal. It’s time I get back to living the best life I can. So here are the plans we have made that will be occurring over the next few months. At the end of this month I will be in Arizona for ten days. And… By June we…

Sleep in withdrawal from psych meds is messy. I’ve lost a lot of sleep the last nine months. In the beginning there was a lot of up at 2 o clock in the morning. My days were spent in bed exhausted and awake. I would wake up and start counting the hours down till I…

I had to reach out and ask a group today about depersonalization and good stress. It’s not so bad I feel the need to poke things to see if it’s real but it’s just enough to annoy the crap out of me. I am pretty disappointed that even though I am moving into good stress…

We managed NOT to get covid in this house again.  So we are all good in that aspect. Now for the rest of life.  Getting my back pay is a pretty big deal.  It’s allowing us to not only catch up bills but will allow us the opportunity to move without actually moving.  If we…

I came into a little money.  We have decided to use the money to invest in our future. We are going to use the money to catch up some bills and buy a camper.  The idea is that the camper will allow us to travel for work.  What we save in gas will pay for…

My mother was fond of saying when it rains it pours. It’s started raining and I’m preparing for the down pour that may or may not ensue. My son in law tested positive for COVID. My sister watches the boys here at home so we have all been exposed. If my sister wasn’t a walking…

Justin and I got to talking the other day and I realized that part of what I lost in meds was my fine motor skills. A short list of things I could not do for a long time because of meds. 1. Cut meat on my plate. 2. Crocheting. 3. Able to chop veggies for…

https://www.benzoinfo.com/2018/04/28/how-benzodiazepines-mimic-chronic-illness-and-what-to-do-about-it/ Someone posted the above article this morning in a group I belong too. This article should be mandatory reading before consuming a benzo. It’s very informative. I’ve been diagnosed with so much crap over the years that it’s insane. Fibromyalgia, FND/conversion disorder, major depression with psychosis, mania, severe social anxiety, and I’m sure if…

This video got posted everywhere yesterday. It’s well worth the watch even though it’s a little on the longer side. A quick breakdown that I hope to get correct….I’ve only watched the video once so please forgive me if I screw anything up. In 2020 the pandemic hit. This women was a pediatric nurse who…

I’ve moved on in the last couple of weeks from my just do it anyway attitude to a do better attitude. Yesterday was what I would call my most normal day in 5 years. I don’t have all my memories of course for four of those years but what I do remember was pretty horrible.…

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/adderall-shortage-adhd-drugs-affected-will-end-rcna66766 My brain is still a little wonky but I did read above article. Somehow the COVID pandemic led to more diagnoses of ADD in the adult population. So much so that we now have a shortage of ADD meds. Gonna say that again. During the pandemic doctor’s prescribed so many adults with ADD that…

Eight months ago I Cted a benzo not knowing what I was doing. I was on Klonopin for over four years with a switch to Ativan a month before I Cted. My time on benzo’s ended up with four years of disabling depression and suicide ideation all due from the medication. I went to the…

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/17-tips-to-sleep-better#_noHeaderPrefixedContent I’ve been sleeping decent lately. I’m starting to not wake up so much in the middle of the night. I’m also occasionally sleeping till the alarm clock goes off. That’s been nice. I’ve been preparing since the beginning of this mess to battle insomnia when I come off my last med. Several years ago…

Other then all the physical crap I deal with things have been pretty decent since Friday. I’ve even caught myself smiling a few times here and there for no reason at all. It’s good but weird. I’ve also gotten quite a bit done since Friday. I still struggle hard with being able to actually crawl…

I think I made my writing goal this week. Pretty sure I failed the last month or so. I aim to write five days a week. It doesn’t matter what I write. Lately random thoughts, sometimes my opinion on articles, doesn’t really matter as long as I put something down. This brain fog and going…

Part of my self prescribed therapy is holding myself accountable for writing something five days a week. I been struggling. My focus is just shot lately. I have these moments all day long where I just go blank in my mind. It makes doing anything a real pain in the ass. I get halfway through…

If you’ve been following along you know I have done doctor approved tapers.  I Cted one accidently and chose to come off safely with the rest. Had I followed the advice of the internet I would have been tapering ten plus years. I’m guessing and it’s a total guess, but I would say there are…

This has been a helluva journey. It’s all still in going but… 5 PILLS GONE!!! I Cted Ativan not knowing what I was doing then chose to rid myself of the rest with a doctor’s help.  Next was Cymbalta, geodon, prozasin, and then Depakote.  (Prozasin is not a psychotropic) All I have left is Saphris. …

Sunday night is my last Depakote and then I’m done until physical symptoms straighten out some. With some luck I hope to be out camping as soon as it warms up. I really miss nature and all it’s glory. These damn body jerks do not do well it the cold. I’m pretty scared about this…

My support worker questioned if I should stay on my sleeping pill permanently since I’m doing so well. I have explained to her before that there just aren’t long term studies in what these meds do and what long term side effects they can have. I’ll admit I was uneducated and naive. I feel like…

I just realized this morning that I no longer have trouble shutting my eyes to rinse my hair in the shower and not falling over trying to do so. I normally take baths because of skin sensitivity. I’ve only taken a couple of showers in the last seven months. I’ve always been to focused on…

Living in withdrawal and tapering has been an experience. I just realized my level of acceptance and how much I can tolerate have increased a 100 fold in the last seven months. I judge my withdrawal days on a pain scale. 1 to 12. I had to increase it from ten to fully encompass the…

When I went to bed last night I had made up my mind to continue my taper as scheduled. I’m still feeling a teeny tiny better then I was but maybe this is insanity. My central nervous system is pretty fried. The Benzo CT did a lot of damage that hasn’t stopped. I still suffer…

Every time I think I am past this issue….I realize I’m not. The rage just over takes you and controlling it is like trying to reign in a dragon. It’s so big. It raises my heart rate and my body starts to shake. I think when I get upset I’m having a surge of too…

https://nationaltoday.com/world-benzodiazepine-awareness-day/#:~:text=World%20Benzodiazepine%20Awareness%20Day%20%E2%80%93%20July%2011%2C%202023 Maybe that link will work. We shall see. Did you know Benzo Warriors have there own day. I didn’t. It’s an awareness day. July 11 th has been Benzo National Awareness day since 2016. I could bitch all day about how this isn’t enough although their goals are awesome. To many people die from…

Today is day five on my Depakote taper. I thought I made it to day three and was doing well besides some physical symptoms. In the past day three was the worst. I was wrong. Got my ass kicked yesterday. Looping thoughts, racing thoughts, emotional and full of tears all damn day. To many thoughts,…

Justin and I were talking the other day and he enlightened me on a few things. May of last year I was hospitalized in a psych ward for med changes. I had a dream before Easter that was so vivid I got stuck in flight or fight mode. I couldn’t stand to be touched, and…

I talked with my therapist today.  We mostly talked about how well I am doing and that it will be interesting to see where I land when all meds are done with. I’m only keeping him around as a back up plan.  If withdrawal goes south and I end up in the bowels of depression…

Woke up in the middle of the night again. Have some body aches that are probably withdrawal related. Don’t really have much to say today for some reason. Just a blah kinda day. Day two of Depakote taper. So far it’s not to bad. Peace and Love Y’all. I’ll try harder tomarow.

There is another Missy Sue post somewhere but it’s been awhile. Quick rehash.  I got her at five weeks soon after my CT.  We had some issues with momma cat and I ended up taking her early.  She was my little benzo buddy through the worst of my CT.  I believe she also helped with…

I have spent the morning reading up on depakote.  It’s a rather dismal thing to do.  I typed depakote withdrawal into Google and just started sifting through articles. In the words of the hubs “I feel bamboozled”.  I noticed a small reoccurring theme several articles in.  No one actually knows how this shit works.  It’s…

Welp!  I finally got my feelings hurt in a benzo group.  Nothing horrible but it still made me question myself a little.  I actually stomped up stairs yelling to the hubs that I needed to talk.  I had no business responding in that frame of mine. But, your on a lot of meds.  That was…

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-simple-ways-to-relieve-depersonalization#things-you-can-do-now ***One of these days I will figure out how to make the link work, benzo brain sucks and I can’t concentrate long enough yet. Benzo warriors often want to know what other people’s most horrific, disturbing, awful symptoms was.  Most of us seem to say the same thing.  Derealization was the worst.  For me…

Part of this journey for me has been learning to cook. You would think at 46 I would have that one down. My mother, God rest her soul, was an amazing baker but a bad cook. She also didn’t have much patients for teaching. Once I was married off I drifted toward boxed meals and…

https://www.cnbc.com/2018/08/02/antianxiety-drugs-fuel-the-next-deadly-drug-crisis-in-us.html This is an older article from 2018 but still very much relevant in my opinion. I do disagree that other phychotropic medications are not dangerous. In my opinion they are just as dangerous. My reason is they can be just as brutal to withdraw from and have block box warnings. The article talks about…

Acceptance of living in withdrawal has made things easier for me. It’s still not easy or comfortable though. My anxiety has slowly increased over the last week or so. Some I should have expected but I’m trying to figure out what is normal anxiety for me and what is withdrawal. I feel like since I’m…

We had to go to the big ole city yesterday.  The hubs had to see an orthopedic doc for his foot.  It all went well.  He needs to keep wearing the boot and can work as tolerated. All that good stuff being said.  Yesterday was the first time in my adult life that I have…

I woke up at 4 again last night. It hasn’t happened in awhile. I chose to lay in bed and try to sleep but couldn’t. I got to thinking about the rest of my meds. I’m down to depakote and saphris, both are antipsychotics. I also take prozasin, it’s not a psychotropic but helps with…

https://www.thecarlatreport.com/articles/2711-benzodiazepines-in-children-and-adolescents The below is a part of the above article. Care must be taken in the reduction and discontinuation of benzodiazepines to reduce the risk of withdrawal and craving. Benzodiazepines are thought to interfere with therapy, specifically CBT, partly due to memory impairment. Because BZDs reduce anxiety, they can leave patients less motivated to participate…

I’ve been struggling with the whole benzo rage thing for awhile now. I’m happy to say it’s mostly gone. In place of the uncontrollable rage I seem to be stuck at a lower lvl of just pissed off. I’m snappy and impatient. I’m really trying not to be. I’m finding alone time to be much…

I had a good weekend and got a lot done. That being said it had a rough spot and I’m still not quite over it. There was an oops with my money card and the hubs wanted me to call and figure out what was going on. I have naturally always had a lot of…

We’re having our Thanksgiving Sunday. My kids and grandkids will be here. I don’t remember last Thanksgiving due to being over medicated.  From what I’ve been told I came downstairs to eat.  I didn’t participate in anything. I’ve been slowly getting more involved in day to day things, I still have a long way to…